Fear

Above is the current state of the tent. A strong wind is trying to pick it up and blow it off the roof. Of the many things that are demonstrably much more likely to kill me sooner than this cancer, fear of the cancer tops the list. A close second would be trying to get in, or near, the tent when the wind is like this.

The tent did blow off the roof once, a few days after I set it up for the first time. I had completely underestimated the amount of weight I needed to keep it in place. (For those who aspire to roof tent-dwelling: it seems 150 lbs of sand is a good amount . . . so far.) I was too lazy to take it apart and carry it up the steps, so I attached a rope to it and pulled it back up onto the roof. It was one of those collossally stupid moments, which fortunately I did not pay for with my life. I was standing on the edge of the roof, pulling on this giant sail-like thing. Just after I got it up over the edge of the roof, the wind picked up, and it started to pick up the tent and me. I had tied in the rope to a heavy shelving unit inside the house, so I just let go of the tent and sat down, with my back plastered against the side of the house, trying to think heavy thoughts. Yes, it isn't just the mph of the wind vs the weight in the tent--it is the fact that the tent harnesses wind power like a sail.

I've been experiencing a lot of fear over the past few days. It's amazing how quickly the elation over my pathology results gave way to this all-consuming anxiety. I've been thinking about states of mind that trump fear. One that keeps coming up for me recently is curiosity. I think perhaps because President Obama mentioned it in his inaugural address. It seemed quirky in a really good way. Not just those cliche qualities like hard work and patience and gratitude. Curiosity. Instead of being afraid, just saying, wow, my life is so amazingly complex. I wonder what is going to happen next?

Stupidity is another one--I keep picturing myself standing at the edge of the roof, holding on to the Wind Kite Tent of Death, completely fearless ;-) but I don't think that's the look I'm going for.